MILITARY: When the war comes home
Military wife recounts couple's journey through post-traumatic stress
By MARK WALKER - Staff Writer | ∞
SAN DIEGO ---- Michelle Carter Waddell is an unlikely casualty of the war in Iraq.
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She's never deployed, she's strong in her faith and she's surrounded by friends and family.
Yet Waddell struggles with the emotional baggage of a combat veteran, sees a counselor on a regular basis and relies on prayer and a support network to make sense of the war.
Waddell's journey into darkness was not of her own doing; it was the result of her husband's post-traumatic stress disorder.
A former Navy SEAL, an elite warrior, Cmdr. Mark Waddell was diagnosed in 2005 following multiple tours of duty in Iraq and numerous covert operations around the world, she said. In their first decade of marriage, 19 of her husband's comrades were killed, she said.
Her husband's demons first emerged during a Fourth of July celebration on a Virginia beach in 2003, she said. Mark Waddell had just returned from the invasion of Iraq. When the fireworks were set off, he fled her side. She later found him standing alone in a dark and quiet spot far from the pyrotechnics.
"He just asked if we could go home," she recalled Tuesday.
Her account of her husband's illness and its impact on her and their three children came during the opening day of a three-day Marine Corps conference on combat stress, traumatic brain injuries and the effects those illnesses have on family members.
More than 850 Marines, Navy officials and medical specialists are attending the conference at the Grand Hyatt Hotel, more than double the number that attended an inaugural conference in Washington last year.
The theme on the opening day was consistent: Post-traumatic stress and traumatic brain injuries are rising, and the Marine Corps has a duty to honor as well as treat injured troops and restore them to health.
"For two years, he denied needing help and put his family through silent suffering," she said, stressing that she loves and honors her husband and stands by him during his recovery.
Mark Waddell would face three more combat assignments in Iraq before he would be diagnosed and begin to get help. In the interim, he withdrew from his family, had trouble sleeping, was quick to anger and the intimacy of their relationship deteriorated. Conversations about divorce, once considered unthinkable, occurred regularly, she said.
Her path to healing began, she said, when she sought help on her own, confiding first to family members and then a counselor. It was the counselor who told her that what her husband was facing was not uncommon, nor were its effects on her and their children.
Her efforts now are aimed at helping spouses understand, recognize and deal with their loved ones' war-born emotional suffering.
"Spouses and families who live with these veterans are fighting from unfamiliar foxholes which no one has prepared them for," she said. "The aftermath of war is a battle that is fought at home."
In order for families to cope and survive, Waddell said spouses and children need to "understand a soldier's heart if they are going to be able to weather the storm."
Surviving a spouse's post-traumatic stress also requires "wait training," said Waddell, who has written two books about the issues military wives confront and has a third due for release next month.
"PTSD is like any other severe wound," she said. "Time is part of the prescription."
She and her husband each see their own counselors and they also see a third as a couple.
"It is a journey that we're still on," she said.
Contact staff writer Mark Walker at (760) 740-3529 or mlwalker@nctimes.com.
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CPO USN-Retired wrote on Aug 13, 2008 7:56 AM:God Bless you Michelle, you are in my thoughts and prayers, as is your husband Cdr Waddell. As a retired Navy Chief and Vietnam Veteran, Cdr Waddell has my utmost highest respect and regard - you have my utmost highest respect and regard for standing by your man! God Bless you!
Jamie wrote on Aug 13, 2008 8:40 AM:Having a son who recently went into the armed forces, this is my your worst fear. You can't take a human being and put them in a war, and expect them to come home the same person you sent. They just see too many horrors. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you work thru this. We can only hope that all military branches continue to work on treatment of PTSD. Thank you for helping bring this real crisis to the forefront.
Carol wrote on Aug 13, 2008 12:48 PM:As the mother-in-law of a combat veteran of Iraq and Afghanistan, my heart goes out to you, Michelle. My thoughts and my prayers are with you every day and God bless Cmdr. Waddell for his service to our country.
Josephine wrote on Aug 13, 2008 1:54 PM:As a wife of a combat veteran of Iraq who was medivaced out I can understand all too well the the struggles that occur upon their return. My thoughts and prayers are with you Michelle, your children and your husband Cmdr. Waddell. We have been fortunate that my husband has been able to get help with his recovery process. He is currently taking part in a PTSD program at a facility in Palo Alto, CA for veterans who are suffering with the effects of PTSD. There is also a program located in Yountvile, CA. There is help out there, so don't give up. God bless you and your family and all of the brave servicemen and women.
Thank Goodness wrote on Aug 13, 2008 4:23 PM:The military is addressing this! We can't undo history, but this is responsible action.
-eStranged Daughter of Nam Vet
war is hell wrote on Aug 13, 2008 9:19 PM:"war is hell" is a quote from Gen Sherman. I guess he would know. In the present case, however, the President who sent this poor soldier into hell never seriously had to worry about going there himself. Doesn't seem right to me. Can't wait to see the last of GW's presidency. Good luck to the Commander and his family.
My father wrote on Aug 13, 2008 9:54 PM:Dad was a WWII Army Air Force P-47 pilot and lost his leg. In the mid to late 1950s I remember dad screaming out late at night and flailing the covers off the bed all over. Mom would just hold him close and we would all surround dad and pray for him. When I got older he told me about that last battle he was envolved in over France. Time did heal dad, but he was very adaptive and seemed to be able to move foward. The V.A. needs to help all these returning troops cope better in recovery from combat. Our veterans deserve the very best care, love and help we as a nation can provide.
SEALCOP wrote on Aug 14, 2008 7:09 PM:Myself a former Naval veteran of 10 yrs and a Navy Seal currently going on 20 years in law enforcement I must say how important it is to have a strong women standing next to her man. I have been married 27 yrs now with 3 grown children.Two boys and a girl..My 26 yr old son did two combat tours to Iraq while serving with the Marine Corps.Now he is working in law enforcement serving on my department.My 22 yr old son is currently serving in the Navy..Wants to be a SEAL..My Lord..Talk about the stress of the job,family,lifes experiences you dont know what it means to walk into your home and have a wife that stands by her husband..Thank you for sharing your family matters with the rest of us...Be safe...Pat
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